Covid & Loss of self

I was going through photos to find something and came across this selfie I took back in March after closing a sponsorship for our charity golf tournament to fund Life with a Baby support groups.

I realize I’m experiencing a bit of loss of self in how completely different my existence is currently versus 4 months ago and how little control I feel over the ability to impact the trajectory of my life. I’m not unhappy, or sad, I’m just aware of this feeling.

Running a charity is hard; it takes funds, I used to run events, consult, and blog/freelance travel writer to earn that income so that I focus on the passion project of helping moms. I used to support a group of female entrepreneurs in growing their own small business. I imagine I will do those things again someday, but right now, I feel like I’m splitting myself in two between trying to keep things afloat with work and being a housewife (which was never for me, no judgement if that is what works for you).

I dislike not being able to earn the income I used to. I dislike being a housewife. I’ve found calm and joy in it at times. My home is calm and peaceful, my kids and husband are all thrilled that I’m at home more. I cook healthy meals, I even bake my own bread. Our home is neat and organized. It’s all the things I used to do before, but whereas before I did it because I wanted to, now I do it because I have to. And now it’s ALL the time. What’s worse by the time I sit down to work I feel like my brain is just mush. It takes me forever to get simple work items done. I used to love writing, I can’t seem to find the time to write anymore.

Do you ever feel like that? That loss of self feel?

For the moms who’ve had to step back from work and take on a more of a caregiving role, I see you. For the moms who are now doing what feels like two full-time jobs of working and caregiving, I see you. For the moms who have to work and wish they could be home, I see you. Whatever your situation, I know we are all wrestling with some loss of self as a result of COVID, and while our circumstances might look different, we are not alone in our feelings – no matter how much it might feel that way.

For the moms just trying to get through the moments without falling apart, that’s actually all of us.

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